


Cruel Tennyo

by Declaraso



Category: Gintama
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mutual Pining, Noncanon plot, Reader-Insert, Romance, Slow Burn, Violence, kiheitai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23447002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Declaraso/pseuds/Declaraso
Summary: And after it all goes down, the melody he composed for you and the tantalizing tune of his shamisen will bring you home- to him.
Relationships: Kawakami Bansai/Reader
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's literally no bansai self-inserts and since im desperate i made one myself so this is extremely self-indulgent ajsdhasjd it doesnt follow canon events bECAUSE IM TOO LAZY TO GO OVER THROUGH EACH EP OF HIM AND TOO SAD OVER HIM OKAY,,, nevertheless, enjoy!!

Flames dance in front of your eyes and everywhere around you, the intense heat prickling your skin reminding you of what you've done. You stare at the burning houses, the bodies scattered at your feet, blood coating the ground and your sword, the lives that you mercilessly took. You don't feel an ounce of guilt. You don't feel pity at all. But you don't feel particularly happy either.

This is wrong.

"Isn't this a rare sight for you, _ Cruel Tennyo* _ ?" A man's deep voice comes beside you and despite your mind telling you to cut him down in one swipe of your blade, your body doesn't move. At least your body knows what fights to pick and ones to avoid.

You didn’t really need to look at him to know who he is. He’s infamous enough to warrant a pay on his head. They said his presence alone shifts the mood of everything around him, a trait that seems to affect even you.

Takasugi, Shinsuke. A Joui demon. A terrorist that has taken a role of destroying the world until it's reduced to nothing but ashes. A man you apparently once shared a battlefield with in the past, gritting your teeth as you fight for a single purpose. 

Right now, everything you stand for clashes with his.You’d rather not associate yourself with him.

Yet, he's still the man that someone precious to you trusts.

It may just be your imagination but a melody created by a shamisen plays somewhere distant but not too far away. It's nostalgic. And painful. You look up to the night sky and inhale sharply. Not now. Not him.

This isn't a sight you wished for him to see you in.

After a few moments, you finally find your voice.

"The Cruel Tennyo is dead. I am but just an ordinary cruel woman."

Takasugi snorts, finding your answer quite amusing. "What did these people do to provoke the wrath of an ordinary cruel woman then?"

What exactly? What guaranteed even the death of these mothers, sons, and daughters at your feet? What did it take to make someone, who strictly upholds principles to protect, break? 

"They forced my hand," you mutter to yourself, turning your sword in your hand, convincing the part of you that was opposed to this. You swallow. You still hear their screams inside of your head. All you saw was red. It didn't matter. You'd already convinced yourself of your logic after all. The sight of  _ his  _ wrangled body was enough reason.

They deserved this. After much investigation, a lot of the men hired by the officials came from this place. You thought it was only right that they watch as their family gets slaughtered in front of their eyes.

You snap into attention as you hear a man come into a corner, panic set in his eyes as he frantically calls out two female names. He must have just gotten here.

He turns to look at you, frozen and mouth agape in fear once he realizes he’s in front of two of the most dangerous people in this country. He didn't have to react no more, though. He doesn’t get to scream. Before your mind could register it, the demon known as anger had taken its hold on you and your feet had already moved, the blade easily cutting him in half. You watch his body go limp to the ground, blood splattering to your face. Your chest aches. 

Did  _ he _ die this way too?

No,  _ they _ had their fun with  _ him _ first. God knows how much you wished it was a quick painless death. You kick his corpse. These sick, twisted creatures.

"Why are you here? What is it you want, Takasugi, Shinsuke?" You try to control your voice, keeping yourself from sounding too angry, too vulnerable or too helpless. But it hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts to the point that you can't breathe. 

You don't want this. You didn't want any of this. But at the same time, your mind tells you this was the only way.

He seems to study you for a moment, one good eye trying to decipher why the supposed legend in front of him was acting this way. So hurt and angry and beaten. 

"Nothing really." He says, slow and deliberate. "I just happened to see an angel amidst these flames."

"Really now." You narrow your eyes at him, gritting your teeth. You can barely control the trembling of your hands and breathing is proving to be quite difficult. You contemplate whether that deaf-man has put him up to this. But it doesn't matter.  _ Not really _ , you convince yourself. "Then you can go. There's nothing more to see here."

"Maybe, I will," He says, taking out his pipe and turning his feet to walk away. "But if you decide to stick to this path, remember that I'm not too far away." 

He was soon out of your sight as if he was never there in the first place. The melody stops too. 

_ Good _ .  _ Because I'm not sticking to this path. _

Sirens and shouts replace it, the Shinsengumi already catching scent of the carnage. The firetrucks are arriving too. Took them long enough. As if they can salvage anything left. There’s nothing. You can practically hear that chain smoking bastard barking orders left and right. There’s nothing to find anymore, Hijikata, Toshiro.

You shift your sword, keeping your hand on its hilt. Should you stay? You can take all of them but you know you shouldn't bite more than you can chew. 

But maybe that's what you need. Bite and chew until you choke on all of your sins. There's nothing more for you in this world anyway. You don't think you can handle another heartbreak. You don't think you can bear to see another child you treasure to end up the same way as he did.

So what better way to end this all but to die while raising hell? 

You close your eyes. Despite your resolve, the stubborn part of you refuses to perish under the hands of the government's lapdogs. You'd rather rot. You'd honestly rather eat shit. 

"There she is!" An officer shouts and you open your eyes to look at him. He staggers backwards because of your gaze but he is soon accompanied by a couple of his comrades, giving him enough courage to draw his sword. You smile cruelly. These fucking lapdogs who were supposed to protect the innocents are nothing but frauds. They couldn't even come here in time. All they are good for is abusing their authority for their own amusement. All they are good for are barking and baring their teeth into the weak.

May they remember this day, this place, where they failed to protect everything.

You point your sword towards them and all of them flinch. You'd rather get this done quickly before the chain smoking bastard and that sadistic ingrate get here. They're troublesome to deal with.

"The Cruel Tennyo," one of them breathes, blinking his tears away, having recognized you. It makes you scoff. You make sure he doesn't get the privilege to see you again as your hands and feet move to create a deadly dance you've always done, one that earned you your title. You spill their blood and sever parts of their body like it was nothing. Some hold themselves against your own but they soon find themselves as heaps of bodies into the ground. One managed to cut you. It doesn't hurt as much as the pain in your chest. In fact, it doesn't hurt at all.

You swing your blade, trying to get the blood off of it. You don't want to die by the hands of these pathetic whelps.

You'd rather do it yourself.

You suddenly get the urge to run when you find another resolve. To run like your life depended on it. To the place where he is. To that peaceful spot he would've loved.  _ I've already executed my revenge, Kaito. I've already avenged you. I hope you can rest easy now. _

"I'll be joining you soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tennyo (female-only subgroup of tennin) are spiritual beings found in Japanese Buddhism that are similar to western angels, nymphs or fairies. It may be an awkward title for our heroine but I wanted her to have a title that made her seem deadly but also beautiful at the same time. Tennyo’s are pretty pleasant creatures so I figured why not make her a cruel one. So yeah LMAO. I had considered Persephone but seeing as gintama leans more to the traditional japanese culture > v > ;;;; anyways yeah-- forgive me if it’s really awkward or tell me if its improper orz


	2. Chapter 2

You kneel in front of a grave you made yourself, one that you made as beautifully as you can despite having no resources. It was placed deep inside a forest, a forest where he loved looking for bugs. 

You wish you could've gotten him a better burial but despite you being a lady of legend, being a myth amongst the others who fought in the war, you're dirt poor. You figured the others were too, though they're in a much better position than you. You recalled White Loincloth Saigou dressing up as a woman and busting his ass off in a club, and that Shiroyasha who you once watched pass out outside a bar, loudly mumbling about the difference between gorilla women and Ketsuno Ana. You didn't really stay when a woman with brown hair went out, loudly asking who's a gorilla and started beating him to a pulp.

You also often find yourself stumbling upon Runaway Kotaro too, with that freakishly large white...duck? always just behind him, shouting about how the bakufu will never catch him, only for him to smack into a wall or fall into a trash bin. They never do catch him though even with that guy’s stupidity.

You scoff at the memory of them. You don't really personally know each other, having abandoned your 'titles' (except for Katsura, you suppose) but all of you just  _ know _ when you meet each other's eyes. Legends, people call you. But the truth is, you guys were the biggest fools of all, defending a land that didn't even give back for what you've done. Defending a country that casted you guys as traitors. 

Defending the people who take away what you love.

Kaito would've loved meeting those chaotic people.

You brush away dirt on the headstone with Kaito’s name in it, trying to keep it clean as much as you could. You lay down flowers you picked on the way, replacing them with the withered ones, not really having the time to get him a proper bouquet. It’s already been months but the wound inside your heart just won’t stop bleeding.

"I'm sure Teruhiko will miss you." A sob racks your body as you utter those words, all the pain seemingly washing over you as thoughts of Kaito never coming back to school or into your lives fill your mind. How will you explain this? How will you explain to the White Loincloth Saigou's kid that his best friend will never be coming back?

"And I miss you everyday too."

How will  _ you _ tell  _ yourself _ that Kaito will never be coming back?

You were a child when you lost your parents. It didn't really hurt that much. Your tiny body couldn't comprehend grief just yet. And you were quickly adopted by a wandering samurai who taught you her ways, bringing you along with her travels and loving you as a mother would to a daughter. Only when she died in the war did you mourn for a parent.

Losing someone always hurts. Your fallen comrades. Friends.  _ Him _ . It always hurts. That's why you vowed to yourself that you will be a lone fighter, never attaching yourself to anyone lest you get hurt again. 

But Kaito came into your life and you couldn't brush him away. Kindness was still imminent in you, it has always been. That's why they named you after a deity, a beautiful one, even if they attached an unpleasant adjective to it.

Losing a son seems to be the breaking point of how much pain you can handle. 

Only when you draw your sword do you notice how the cool soil digs into your legs, how the insects sing into the night, how heart wrenchingly beautiful the moon is. Earth has always been beautiful. It was since the day you could properly comprehend your surroundings. 

This was the perfect stage to die in.

You positioned your blade to your abdomen, determined to start the ritual. This was the path you chose. You plunge the sharp edge to your skin, unbearable pain shooting through every nerve of your body. _ I’ll be there soon, Kaito. _ You grit your teeth, trying to work against your labored breaths. You start to move your blade horizontally-

And then someone calls out to you.

It wasn’t death. It was a voice you knew well but at the same time not at all. It was a voice that kept you from drowning a number of times and simultaneously drowned you in an emotion you hated a thousand more. And as far as you know, the owner was pretty much alive.

You don’t look back. Instead, you grip your sword harder but a hand take over yours, much forceful than you are and draws it out. You cough out blood and your vision starts getting hazy, blood pooling underneath your knees and into the concrete. You’re already losing a lot of blood. Arms circle around you, pressing their hands heavily into your wound, applying pressure so the bleeding stops. You don’t know what happens next. You can’t even hear who he’s shouting at. Or what he’s shouting. 

You reach your hand to Kaito’s headstone, smearing your blood into his name.

And then the darkness swallows you whole.


	3. Chapter 3

Maybe it’s days? Weeks? Or months? You don’t know exactly how long you’ve been asleep but it’s probably not years. That’d be a shame. You were probably better off dead if that was the case.

A melody stirs your consciousness awake. It’s a tune you know well yet it feels like you’re hearing it for the first time. Maybe it improved. Maybe he changed it up a bit. Maybe it’s just been so long that you have forgotten it.

You open your eyes with much difficulty, lids heavy from fatigue. Your whole body feels numb. Your throat feels dry. You feel like death itself. You guess.  _ What does death feel like exactly? _

“Water,” you croak out and the man stops playing. He’s quick to take your side, helping you sit up slowly and carefully. You still wince because your body hurts all over, especially on your abdomen. You inhale sharply as it racks your body with quite an unpleasant sensation.

“Slowly,” he mutters before handing you a glass of water. He supports you even then, holding the small of your back, your hand, and the glass stable because you still can’t exactly feel your arms. But his hands feel warm. The warmth spreads into your body, making you remember the memories and the feelings you have for him.

You immediately nudge his hand off yours, ignoring the pain that comes with the gesture, and places the glass back down on the floor. At least you feel better now that you’re rehydrated. Still, a sticky thing remains in your throat. Was it pride? Or pain? Or fear? You refuse to look at him.

“This is Kiheitai, isn’t it?” You ask, feeling the soft rock of the waves underneath the floor. You’re sure that you’re in their ship. That, and because of the presence of one manslayer just beside your bed. 

He doesn’t answer you, instead he lays you back down on the futon, just as carefully as he had sat you up. You close your eyes, not wanting to see him in close proximity. You’re still grieving and hurting. It wouldn’t do you any good to see and be close to the man that you haven't seen in so many years because you’re just going to start wanting.

And gosh, did you want to embrace him. To seek comfort. To bare out your soul and pain. To tell him how others took away your joy. 

But, you don’t really have the right.

You never did.

He goes back to his previous spot, placing his fingers on the strings of his shamisen and resumes playing the tune again. The melody bounces off the room, encaging you in his performance. He’s doing this on purpose. He knows you would recognize it. He knows you know it’s solely for you. 

“You still know that stupid song?” you mutter, staring at the ceiling. You fight off the urge to cry and to go back to sleep, fearing that he will disappear once you do. It’s not everyday you reunite with your former flame. 

It’s not everyday you get to see Kawakami, Bansai’s face.

“Of course, I still know this quote-unquote, stupid song. I composed this after all, I daresay.” He answers, offended. Is it really a former flame when it still burns brightly inside of your heart? You can’t help but smile at your stupidity. 

"What's it called?" You ask, clinging to your stupidity. He plays a couple of notes more before uttering words that makes your heart and hands clench.

"It's called The Cruel Tennyo." 

You stubbornly resist the tears. Stupid Bansai. What a moron. Stupid song. If he just never composed it then maybe-

You ignore it and focus on how his voice has changed drastically instead. It's deeper now. So different when you were teenagers. 

So different from when he first played the song to you and both of you danced stupidly under the night sky, fireflies, and the moon, and the stars lighting up the forest as if they were in cahoots in making that moment absolutely perfect. He wore a smile so intoxicating that it's still ingrained into your memory until now. It was the song that made you realize you were-  _ and still are _ \- madly, pathetically, disgustingly in love with him. After so many decades, it remains as the song that proved those feelings bloomed at a time where you both had no worries about the present.

Only to face the next day with bloodshed and loss.

Everything has changed, perhaps.

With that stupid haircut, with that stupid headphones, with that stupid glasses, with that stupid clothes and that stupid face. Everything about him is stupid. So much about him has changed but he's still the same. Even the way he ignites these feelings inside you again is stupid. How come that part didn't change?

"Why am I here?"

He continues strumming, seemingly not having heard what you said or sensing any of your animosity, and honestly it doesn’t surprise you. The idiot’s always been preoccupied with whatever his damn ears chooses to hear, the headphones that he’s currently wearing proof enough of that trait of his. Even when you were kids, he would hum to himself loudly, drowning all of you out in his little world, or stare into the distance, ignoring you to listen to the sounds of the earth. It really proved difficult to catch his attention. Sometimes he gets so distracted too.

But, when he does focus on you and solely you, you couldn't really stand it and always opt on using violence. You had the knack of picking fights with him, a knack he regularly handled calmly.

“Why am I here, idiot?” you ask again, swallowing the lump down your throat. "Did your commander take a liking to me so much? Tell him he's stupid for doing so." 

"Shinsuke is anything but stupid." Bansai drones.

He really is, though. How did Takasugi even find you? You've been gone from the scene for two years. What stupid terrorist attack requires your strength so much that he's even willing to stop a suicide? 

You clench your fist. Despite your repulsion to your title, you were still the Cruel Tennyo at the end of the day. 

"Why am I here?"

Bansai ignores you. It doesn't really stop you from saying whatever words come next. It's a habit of yours, talking nonstop until he was eventually forced to listen.

"If this was a recruitment thing, sorry, but I made my choice. I doubt you lot will have any use for me anymore. Plus, I don't really wanna help. Just let me be.” You sigh.

"May I ask, why did you choose that path?" You can tell he glanced at your bandaged abdomen.

You snap. "It's none of your business."

He stops playing. You wait for a few moments, expecting him to speak again. Suddenly, you feel awkward, like a child caught doing something they’re not supposed to. You brace yourself for a lecture. 

When he remains silent, you grow impatient and you turn your head to face him. His smile catches you off guard.

“Still so stubborn.” Amusement is evident in his tone as he places the shamisen behind him. He leans in, seemingly inspecting something. 

“Your tune’s more melancholic than when I last saw you, I daresay. Did something happen for you to wish that upon yourself?" 

"Can you actually answer what I really want to know first?" You huff, annoyed at how he seems to be avoiding the question. Bansai has a way with words. He's so skillful that there were times in the past when you actually wanted to smash his shamisen to bits and pieces just to spite him but, despite your mean streak when you are mildly inconvenienced, you don't really go through with it

And what is it with that 'tune still the same when I last saw you' bullcrap? You haven't seen him in  _ DECADES _ . You've already endured so much. You're pretty sure the song that reflects your soul is considerably different now.

"What did you want to know again?" He raises an eyebrow. 

You roll your eyes and ask the question for the nth time. "Why am I here?" 

"Because I want you here."

Your breath hitches. Stop. Don't be fooled. He'll leave again. Just like he did back then. Without as much as a goodbye. In a blink of an eye, he was Bansai the Manslayer and you, the Cruel Tennyo.

"Don't mess with me." Your voice shakes and you sit up abruptly by yourself, ripping your stitches in the process. The fresh yukata and the fresh bandages you're in immediately dyes red in your abdomen and you grimace. You immediately stand, not missing a beat despite the pain and he stands too, blocking the exit. He's not in any fighting stance or anything but still your mind screams to get out of here.

Your eyes dart around the room for any weapon you can use, silently hoping that they stored your sword somewhere near. You're not as lucky but you still find a sword nonetheless, one that's beautifully mounted in the wall. 

No way in hell you're going down in here. You have no intention in cooperating in the first place. You use your adrenaline to numb your body, hand clutching your side, you quickly run for the sword…

Only to be stopped by strings.

"Please," desperation seeps into his voice, surprising you, "just lie down and rest."

"And if I don't?" Your voice trembles, betraying the defiance you're forcing yourself to have. You haven't noticed that your body became limp, pain suddenly crashing to you in waves, the strings the only thing holding you up. He releases you in one strum and in a second, you're nothing but a heap of mess in the ground.

"If I remember correctly, I didn't give you that choice."

_ You never did,  _ you thought but you're an expert in biting your tongue so you did. As if it mattered. You were already seeing spots. The heaviness you've previously felt covered you like a blanket.

And then you were out cold.

\---

He sighed, not really knowing what to do with you. He's always known you were stubborn. Too stubborn. You've always held your head up high so seeing you in this state was, well… rather unnerving.

He knelt beside your body, clicking his tongue at your freshly opened wound. And he just had you fixed up. When he is about to gather you in his arms, he notices how his hand trembles before him. He purses his lips. Well, you’ve just given him a scare after all. Just like that night when you plunged your blade into your stomach. He just moved on instinct, fear eating up his system. He sighs, your name softly passing through his lips.

“Don’t do that again, please.”


	4. Chapter 4

You chew the inside of your cheek as you gaze through a window, watching the waves pass by and do their own thing. You curl yourself up in a ball in boredom, fingers playing with the hem of your kimono. It’s been a month, you believe, and you’re healing quite nicely. You put up quite a fight during the first two weeks of your stay here but then realized it’s futile so you stopped. Bansai made sure to remove anything that you can use as a weapon in the room so there’s nothing much you could do. You can wreck quite a havoc with a sword but you can’t really deny that you’re less threatening during fist fights.

Besides, any attempts at escape have also been thrown out the window. You glance at the door and you’re pretty sure that there’s a person guarding it. You sigh. Like you can escape that easily anyway. You’re in the middle of the fucking ocean.

The main crew of the Kiheitai seems to have taken a sick fascination towards you, visiting you often like you’re some exotic caged animal in a zoo. It made you angry the first time but just like everything else in your situation, you opted on just ignoring it because you couldn’t exactly throw a tantrum every time they’re there. 

You pick at the skin of your dried lips, recalling the crew. There’s Bansai, of course, who visits every single night and tries to have a conversation at first but once ignored, just plays the shamisen until you fall asleep. Takasugi rarely visits but when he does, he just watches you and smokes near the window. It’s terrifying.

And then there’s Matako who usually only visits after Takasugi does, glaring the whole time as she interrogates you about what transpires in the room when you’re alone with ‘ _Shinsuke-sama_ ’. It didn’t take much for you to figure out that the girl has a crush on the man. You smile at the thought. You usually tease her, jokingly implying that you and the man share some intimate moments together when you’re alone and that usually is enough to make her fume. Bansai had to step in and stop her from shooting you one time. She’s been banned from visiting you since. Pity. Her visits were your favorite.

Lastly, the lolicon who claims to be a feminist. You think his name is Takechi. He expressed great disappointment once he saw that you were a grown woman but he often visits you to have a pleasant conversation anyway. He’s kind of a weirdo but you think his heart is in a good place. You think.

You stare at the ocean again and you briefly wonder if Kaito has been in a ship before. You doubt it. Your chest suddenly becomes tight. Is his grave still clean? Had weeds grown around it? Or maybe flowers? You hope it’s flowers, he deserves every single flower. You clench your fist. If only you worked harder then maybe they wouldn’t find where you and Kaito lived. It’s because you’re the Cruel Tennyo that they decided to drag him into the pit you desperately tried to pull him and yourself from.

They put out their revenge on him just because he’s under your care.

You’re the one who should’ve died.

“Crying again?” You steel yourself and immediately wipe the tears that appeared in the corner of your eyes with your sleeve. Bansai’s here again with your dinner though you raise a brow when you see that there’s two plates.

You’re left even more confused when he sits and remains seated on the floor, gesturing for you to join him. He’d never done this before, you weren’t quite sure how to act. And it actually brings back some memories of when you were a teenager. You chewed on your lower lip.

You really should stop yourself from clinging to the past.

You turn your back on him, appetite already ruined. You focus on the cool breeze from the sea that dampens your cheek, eyes flicking to the sky riddled with stars. A wave of unknown emotions crashes over you, like a heavy stone placed above your chest.

 _What am I doing here?_ , you thought.

  
“Must you continue this silent game you’re playing?” He murmurs but it was enough for you to hear. You couldn’t stop yourself from bristling. It didn’t sound like he was angry but it was enough to instill guilt in you. This was actually the first time he called you out on it. You don’t dare meet his eyes but you make your way in front of him, fingers tenderly grabbing the bowl of rice before you. You can feel his stare on you, watching every muscle move and it makes you uncomfortable. You flinch when he says your name and he sighs upon seeing your reaction.

“I’m-” he stops, tasting the words before he spits it out, “-worried about you, I daresay.”

“What does the Kiheitai want from me, Bansai?” You started, accusatory, finally having the courage to look into his face. It irritates you how he plays this caring-for-your-well-being card all of a sudden. His expression remains passive but you can tell by his body that he’s tense. It baffles you how you can still read him like you could when you were young and naive. “Why am I here? What purpose do you guys need me for?”

“Let’s eat, I daresay,” he mutters, obviously dodging the question. He then brushes his hair back, sighing. “After that, we'll talk."

You don’t answer. He continues staring but eventually picks up his bowl and starts eating. It wasn't long before you joined him. 

You didn't bother finishing your portion as your mind has already been working overdrive. You put down your bowl with a clang and turn to glare at Bansai. He doesn't seem to notice and just continued on his meal.

"You're a real bastard, you know that?" You start, anger in your voice. It doesn't really faze Bansai as he found it that you had always talked to him in an irritated tone as if you couldn't wait to be rid of him in every waking moment. 

"Couldn't a gal just die with her honor intact? You ruined it all, you moron," you scoff, reaching over his side dishes with your chopsticks, swiping up an eggroll just for the sheer fun of it. His brows furrow, clearly taking offense to that but didn't drag it on as he figures that it's just your way of riling him up.

"I thought I told you we'll talk after we eat."

"Well, _I'm_ already done," you say haughtily, crossing your arms over your chest with a pout. "That's why I'll talk." 

He couldn't do anything but shake his head at your antics. You were graceful in the battlefield but it'd be an overstatement if he said you were the same outside of it. He puts his bowl down finally, having finished his share.

"I'm sorry, alright?" You flinch at his exasperated tone and he clears his throat, embarrassed that he let his emotions show. He always seems to make that slip in front of you. He internally blames it at how you're quite difficult to deal with even for him.

"Shinsuke found it curious that you suddenly seemed to vanish from the face of the earth for years so when we caught scent of you, he was intrigued as to what you were up to." He looks at you with mild disapproval and you can't help but swallow, remembering the carnage you did before deciding to die. There's a part of you that regrets it but there's a bigger side that whispers that they had it coming. You clench your fists.

"You know what you did, I daresay." You look away as he starts to lowkey reprimand you. You don't let him see just how much it meant to you. You're pretty sure this is the start of an interrogation that you wanted nothing to do with. Besides, it wasn't their business. 

"Man, Takasugi must really have the hots for me," you joke, trying to get yourself off of this conversation. "Make sure Macchan hears this so she can finally shoot me dead." 

He narrows his eyes at you, you can tell even with the sunglasses, and he opens his mouth to say something. He hesitates for a second but decides to continue on.

"Shinsuke really meant for you to join us so he was hoping that I could convince you and believe me, I would’ve let you go and die like a warrior once I’ve realized what you were doing but…” He trails off and you grimace as you hear the shiver in his voice.

“Don’t get all soft on me, Ban- Kawakami,” You correct yourself, sitting up straight. You glare at him and even though you’re angry, warmth involuntarily blooms from your chest. You clench your fist. What good will his caring now bring you? It won’t erase the fact that he left you to fend for yourself back then. Why bother trying to keep you alive now of all times when you wanted to disappear the most?

“I’m not going to join you. I don’t owe you anything.” You grit your teeth and abruptly stand to go back to the window, folding your arms so he won’t see just how much your hand is shaking. “You lot followed him on your own accord, didn’t you? You guys chose to follow him because you believe in his cause. I don’t see why I should when I don’t care.”

Suddenly the room turns cold and you’re hyper aware of the newcomer in the room. He throws you your sword and you catch it easily, fingers curling around the familiar scabbard. Your eyes snap to his face and he only offers a smirk.

“Kaito, wasn’t it?” You tense as Takasugi mutters your boy’s name. "He's the reason why you killed those people, isn't he?" 

You don't answer, opting on glaring at him. You see Bansai stand in your peripheral. 

"I've gathered it’s because the bakufu are looking for you. You like to act as if it isn’t your business but you are a war criminal at the end of the day.” He states a matter of factly, it makes your blood run cold. “They put a fair bounty on your head. The fools. They could have taken the kid hostage instead of provoking you like that."

Icy anger has already sprouted from your chest and you draw your sword out of your scabbard, sneering. "You're not really good at recruitment talk, pal."

He merely smirks, madness slipping in the crack of his mask. You’d be scared under normal circumstances but you steel yourself as you’re confident in your skills when it comes to escaping.

“You suddenly disappeared from the scene so the bakufu got nervous, thinking you’re brewing up something that will cause them great damage. So of course, they did what they’re good at, playing as filthy as they could.” He prattles on, provoking you. You chew on your lips. “You’re not good at hiding your tracks though, a shame. You should’ve worked on Yoshiwara, maybe he would have lived.”

You lunge at him but you were stopped by his blade, swords clanging together on impact. He pushes you back and you immediately step back, seething in anger.

“You bastard.” Even Bansai flinches at your tone as he never heard you talk like that before. “Don’t fuck with me, Takasugi. Your goal is to destroy the country, mine is to save it. I’d rather work with Katsura than with you.” 

You spit at his feet and rage seems to fill him as well. You grin at his reaction, ready to clash swords with him but before the thrill of battle reaches you, Bansai intercepts. He stands in front of you, shielding you away from Takasugi.

“That’s enough. If she doesn’t want to, she won’t, I daresay.”

They stay at a stand-still, glaring at one another and time seems to stretch forever but eventually, Takasugi sheaths his sword and turns away. He remains for a moment before he mutters, “She said that her goal is to ‘save the country’ but her mind decided on a massacre when someone precious to her was taken away.”

He looks back at me, eyes clear and threatening. 

“We’re not different, you and I, Cruel Tennyo.”

Then he’s gone.

You sigh loudly, dreading the incoming headache that was making its way onto your temples. You sheath your sword back. You start to mutter to yourself, annoyed at everything that transpired.

“That’s why I wanted to die. Because I’ve started to become what I hate,” you whisper more to yourself but Bansai hears, looking at you. You want to rip your hair out in distress and then knock yourself cold, never to wake again. You hate it. You felt dirty. It’s as if all the lives you took are now clawing at your feet, their blood coating your whole being, sticky and filthy. 

You look out the window, blinking your tears away.

“Maybe I should’ve swallowed my pride all the way through. I hated serving men and the Amanto but I bared my teeth and went with it so I can live an earnest life. Maybe I should have gone to Yoshiwara after all. It is my fault that Kaito’s dead.” You close your eyes. “If I haven’t been the Cruel Tennyo-”

Bansai brushes your hair away from your face, tucking it behind your ear. You blink up at him and his face showed sympathy. You immediately feel warm and it wasn’t long before tears ran down your face. You lean into his touch when he cups your cheek.

What have you been doing all this time?

Every single thing in your life seems to be a mistake. Even when one thing went right, it’s often short-lived. Your ‘mother’, Bansai then Kaito. Why is it that you could never make them stay?

“Is death really your only answer?” He asks, his voice laced with bitterness. He clearly wants you to live but, for what? 

Honestly, for what?

“There’s nothing left for me anymore…” You say weakly and you almost gasp when he gently takes you into his embrace, warmth enveloping your whole form. Your eyes go wide with horror, heartbeat racing against your will. You try to break away, scared of how you’ll be reduced into nothing but a girl hung up with her first love, but he remains strong, caging you in his arms.

“You’ve got me.”


	5. Chapter 5

It was a gamble but then it doesn’t seem like you’re in the mood to fight anymore so he took the opportunity to take you outside. Besides, he figured it’d do you well to get some fresh air now and again. It wouldn’t really help you if they coop you up like some sort of caged bird.

Bansai stares at you from behind and it unnerves him because you’re unbelievably calm. Your hair flies in different directions as the sea breeze caresses its way into it. You just stood there, arms on deck, staring at the open sea. He asked you earlier what you wanted to do and you just shrugged. It scares him. It scares him beyond belief. The melody of your soul seemed to shift after he embraced you and it terrified him. The spark in your eyes that he adores is now gone.

Are you really… a lost cause?

He just couldn’t accept it. He feels so many things when it comes to you and it frustrates him because words seem to escape him when he attempts to make sense of it. There’s only so little that he feared in this world but somehow you are one of them. Every move, every word, every smile and frown. It’s torturous. How can a woman do nothing at all and be this terrifying?

His eyes flit to the sword tucked on your waist. You’re a samurai. You know how to use your sword, more so than an average warrior. Hell, you were terrifying in a lot of ways. Bansai usually works discreetly, being an assassin, and he often liked to stir trouble using mere words, manipulating people to do his own bidding. You, on the other hand, usually charges through the front, with only a sword and seething anger in hand. You always faced your opponents with fierce determination, never-yielding, always standing up for what you believed in.

Right now he can see the ground you’re standing on crumble at your feet.

As if you don’t believe in anything anymore.

“You were still doing Joui activities up until you met… Kaito, was it?” He starts and you don't even react. Not even a flinch. You remain silent and Bansai was about to give it up when you sigh.

“Yeah,” you simply mutter. “But I stopped and found normal life quite pleasant, thank you very much.” You huff in annoyance, leaning down so you rest your chin in your arms. Bansai thought you’re acting like an impudent kid.

“Still, you’re a wanted woman. I don’t think your last taunt to the Shinsengumi let you off the hook either, I daresay.”    
  
“Weelll, if someone just left me to die back there then maybe that wouldn’t be my problem, would it?”

You look over your shoulder, eyes narrowing. He frowns apologetically. 

“Couldn’t you fight for the salvation of the country again? You could join Runaway Kotaro. His morals are closer to you than Shinsuke’s, I daresay.” He’s grasping at straws now, thinking of ways to somehow bring the fight back in you. He knows his suggestion just now was pathetic but what can he say really? The girl he knew back then was now a woman way off his grasp. You’ve already built a wall that he can’t seem to get through. Even if he tries to hold you, you react like you’ve been burnt, moving away from him with an expression that reads as fear. He doesn’t know why you’re so afraid. For all he knows, you can walk all over him and he’d let you.

He just doesn’t want to admit  _ why  _ he’ll let you.

You suddenly laugh. The way your eyes soften at his suggestions had him clenching his fist just to distract himself from his rapidly beating heart. That laugh caught him off-guard because he hadn’t heard it in years.

You turn to fully face him and you smile a melancholic smile.

“It’s futile,” you say bitterly, tucking your hair behind your ear. You look past him. “The country doesn’t want to be saved. We’ve been deemed traitors. The world is already changing without us.”

Bansai could only stay silent because it’s true. 

But he believes in Shinsuke. 

The only thing to do is to destroy it and reset it all.

“You’ve really given up, huh?” He asks genuinely but it seems you’ve taken an offense to that because your brows furrow.

“I have but hearing you say it makes me angry.”

Bansai couldn’t help but smile. There goes a flicker of the spark he adores.

“You want to live a normal life, right?” He probes, walking to stand beside you. You merely look up to him before moving a step away and nodding, hesitant. 

“Then why did you bring your sword every time at your errand girl and waitress job? A normal girl doesn’t carry a sword then threatens to kill someone if they do as much to annoy her. To top it all of, it’s illegal, I daresay.” Your eyes widen and you start to flush. It was a genuine wonder but he guesses you took it as him teasing you because you punch him on the arm. It didn’t really hurt but still…

“Why do you know that?!” You sputter, suddenly avoiding eye contact. 

“Why are you embarrassed?” He tilts his head in question and you just scowl, making him chuckle. 

“Yeah! Why am  _ I _ embarrassed?  _ You’re _ the one stalking me!”

Bansai shrugs because he couldn’t deny it. He’s been keeping a close watch on you even before you broke away from your Joui life but unfortunately, whenever he’s about to catch a glimpse of the reason why you sought to be normal, there’s something that distracts him, as if it’s a divine intervention to stop him from being a creep. That’s why he hadn’t really known it was a child. 

Though if he knew, he didn’t really know how he’d react or think of it. He hadn’t seen you pregnant so he can assume that Kaito wasn’t really your flesh and blood. If he was though… he erases the thought immediately. He’s not masochistic enough to entertain those thoughts.

It was years after he left you before he stumbled upon you again but guilt had overcome him so he didn't dare show his face lest you lash out at him (which is proven true just a month ago). It was the first time in a long time that both of you had a conversation and it's after you just tried to take your life. He purses his lips. 

"Even if you seek that normalcy, you can never deny that a warrior's blood still runs through your veins regardless or not there's a bounty on your life." He removes his headphones and raises his sunglasses to look at you straight in the eyes. You clench your fist. This is what you hated. When he focuses on you and only you, it becomes too much to bear.

"This is the path we've walked on. Diverging from it is possible but difficult. You know that, I daresay." 

You deflate at his words and he suddenly regrets uttering it but it's the truth. And he'd be damned if he offers you nothing but the truth. You didn't really like liars so he made it a point to never lie to you. But then, he is a master of stringing together words.  _ You _ made a point to be never swept up by them regardless of whether it's the truth or some elaborate concealment of a lie.

"So difficult that I had to lose a child?" You mutter bitterly, eyes glazing over. He remains quiet, observing you. The years have been kind to you regardless of all the pain you endured. You were getting more and more beautiful as time passed by. It was such a shame that your face often wore an expression of grief.

If only he can make all your wishes come true.

"I'm sorry," he mutters as he cups your cheek. He really is. If maybe he extended an olive branch and actually paid attention then maybe things would have turned out different. "I really am."

"It's not your fault," you sniff. "You don't really know the kid. But I assure you, he's wonderful."

"I'm sure."

You both stare at each other for a while and the reoccurring thought of how unfair he is creeps into your mind once again. What has he been doing all this time, you wonder. Though you've always thought about him even with his absence. It actually sucked. To miss someone who didn't even offer a goodbye. Was he eating well? Where was he now? Has he found someone new? Has he been fighting? Was he close to death? Was he even breathing the same air as you anymore? Those intrusive thoughts often catch up to you when you find yourself daydreaming.

"You wish to settle down, I take it." 

You wear an expression somewhere between sadness and hope. He already knows the answer, that's why he hadn’t posed it as a question. When it came down to it, isn’t it what a lot of people wanted? A family, a warm home to come back to, where happiness and laughter dominated every corner. It’s easy to imagine a quaint little house beside the ocean with a child on your arms, smiling at him brightly as you welcome him home. But compared to how easily it was conjured, it was quite difficult to dismiss. It’s a thin dream that he knows would never be fulfilled. He’s Bansai the Manslayer. Besides, you would probably recoil in disgust once those stupid delusions come to light so he’ll suppress it until his death.

Maybe that’s why he wrote you that song. So even if he couldn’t admit it, he hopes that it’ll reach you somehow.

“What? You gonna play matchmaker for me now? I doubt you have any eligible bachelors in your company that I’d even consider,” you tease, turning to sarcasm as some sort of self-preservation. 

“I would never. If you want a man, then I’m sure you’re capable enough to look for one, I daresay.” He draws his hand back and for a moment, it seemed like you were gonna chase it but you don’t. You only smile at him, warmth filling your eyes to the brim.

Wanting to be with you is an impossible dream... but it lingers.

Little does he know, he’s doing the same wonders to you as the corner of his mouth quirk into a little smile. You want him. So badly. You thought to yourself if fate is playing a cruel joke on you again and will ultimately use this tender moment to destroy you later on. She probably will. You bite your lower lip as you try not to show through your eyes the longing you felt for him. He’s still so kind to you. So soft. So earnest. Giving you his attention when it mattered to you most.

It’s probably absurd to think of someone who is actively seeking to destroy the country in this light but then as he said, this is the path you both walk in.

But, still, you guys were still ultimately… human.

And humans feel happiness, sorrow, anger, hatred and love. Humans commit mistakes. They are fragile and fickle and yet most of them refuse to crumble and try to hold on to their convictions even when they’re dragged through the mud or trampled on.

One such human stands before you in this night. A lot of them are also in this ship, unwavering despite how futile the fight is.

You were one of them once too. In that battlefield, a billowing smoke covering most of the sky, gunfire sounding here and there.

“I’ll stay,” you whisper but Bansai hears and it’s almost as if he instinctively perks up, eyes widening. The excitement dies down immediately as he senses you’re not done yet. You internally giggle at how endearing he is. 

You love him. Even with his absence, it never died down. You only thought it did as things tend to get hazy as time leaves everything behind in its wake but it seems your reunion only revived the emotions you carefully tucked away in your heart, hoping it’ll never be out in the open. But now it’s laid out again in front of him, though never said, underneath the starlight, accompanied by the lull of the crashing waves.

“Only for you, because as you said, you’re the only one I got left.” You tilt your head and his eyes follow the movement, captivated. “I’ll work under your wing and I’ll only listen to you if I want to but…”

He raises an eyebrow. “But?”   
  
“You left me back then and I still haven’t forgiven you for that so…”

Bansai nods, immediately understanding what you’re getting at.  _ Earn back your trust _ . He actually is surprised how you haven’t been on his throat about it, threatening to wring out a reason why he suddenly disappeared. You now acted like it didn’t bother you but your anger towards him the first few weeks said otherwise. He puts his sunglasses back down before gazing at you in an effort to hide his guilt.

“It’s a deal then, I daresay.”

“Yeah, treat me well.”

Maybe, one day, he’ll tell you in his own volition.


End file.
